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Young Writers Society



Flash Fic - Sword Tag

by Sumi H. Inkblot


It had all started with a walk around the dusky park to Sara, just to clear her mind of the disturbing rumors she’d been hearing. That and she was hoping to run into Andrew, the cute new boy in her class. He’d said, when he was introduced, that he loved long walks in parks, hadn’t he?

She’d spent about an hour agonizing over what to wear, just in case, and had finally come away from her abundant closet wearing a loose skirt and tight T-shirt, and incredibly high heels. She’d spent forty bucks on them and had had to sneak them past her mother to boot, might as well use them on the new kid, Sara reasoned, sitting down on a bench in the center of the park and resting her sore feet.

While contemplating what she would sign on his yearbook – nine months from then- a prickle danced on the back of her neck, setting her hair on end. Her stomach clenched around the salad she’d had for dinner and her face went from dreamy to uneasy in a second. She turned around and stared behind her, eyes sweeping the bushes.

Was that a flicker of movement behind the leaves? Was that her eyes, or the breeze stirring the plants?

A shrill cry knifed through the air, pulling Sara to her feet, looking about her in terrified uncertainty. A puppy bolted out of the bushes behind the bench, yipping fearfully. It bounded between her feet and shot off into the dark. Sara stared after it, but swung around as she heard stuttering, heavy footsteps behind her.

A thing emerged from the foliage. A horrible, gruesome thing.

His flesh had rotted away, his eyes were bloodshot and his hair was thick and tentacle-like, though it hung in lank ropes about his skeletal body. A bloodstained sword was clutched in his hand.

Its eyes focused on her.

Sara’s heart pounded against her ears, and she finally let out a scream to rival the one that had reached her ears earlier.

The man lunged, and Sara began to run. He let out a roar of annoyance and tore after her, sword raised.

She kicked off her heels and kept running, skirt billowing behind her.

Closer…closer…

He was getting closer…

She felt the sword enter her back. It didn’t hurt, though iciness was spreading from where the sword was rooted.

“YES!” Sara jerked around to stare at the man.

Andrew. The cute transfer. The lank hair was falling off to reveal his usual honey-blond curls, and his frame was rapidly re-fleshing, his eyes loosing the veins.

The iciness reached her hands, and she looked down. The flesh had rotted, and her fingers were now claws.

Andrew smiled at her, the same smile that had wooed her earlier that day.

“Tag. You’re it.”

_______________

:P this is my entry for the "Tag, you're it" contest hosted by Imp. It's ended, and I forgot about this lonely little scrap of fic up until now. XD

The idea of the Undead has always fascinated me to a somewhat morbid point, though I haven't written much on subject. ^_^'

Anyway, um, any comments are welcomed. :) I'm thinking about expanding this....like I do with all my flash fics.... 0_0U

~Sumi (yes, it's sumi, Imp :P )


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Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:53 pm
Teh Wozzinator says...



i guess i've commented on this before on nano...but this is pretty good. i've read it a few times...




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Fri Jun 29, 2007 5:43 pm
Poor Imp wrote a review...



'Lo Sumi,


Honestly, I like this even more the third time reading through - it was a great entry (and made judging bloody hard...^_~).

I have very little terribly constructive in the way of criticism. It began with such a commonplace flair - which was excellent, as by the end, one's expectations are entirely turned around. ^_^

"Tag, you're it" - fit just right at the end.








IMP




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Fri Jun 29, 2007 2:17 pm
Sumi H. Inkblot says...



Thanks for reviewing, guys! :D

Oh, Ratchet, I like your reviews- nice signature! At least you're honest :P. ^^
Should I start putting in grammar mistakes for you? XD

You think it was scary? :? I didn't think that it was all that scary, more creepy, like Jeremy said, but maybe authors who write horror don't think that their work is scary.

I dunno! I'll have to ask about that. Food for thought.

I'll clean this up later, (that "terrified uncertainty" line has everybody, including me, annoyed LOL) and when I write more on this, which will be, like, NEVER because I'm stuck with GP and Kis, I'll be sure to let you know ^_^

Thanks again, everybody!

~Sumi




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Fri Jun 29, 2007 1:10 pm
Saphira wrote a review...



The describtion in this was fantastic and really detailed. I like how Sara's feelings are expressed and that you gave a history to start it of without doing a boring information dump.I couldn't find any grammer mistakes.


A shrill cry knifed through the air, pulling Sara to her feet, looking about her in terrified uncertainty.

This bit of the sentence is confusing and needs looking at. You need to make it clearer.


Andrew smiled at her, the same smile that had wooed her earlier that day.
“Tag. You’re it.”

I love this ending. It brings all of Sara’s feelings together and makes it humorous and interesting.




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Fri Jun 29, 2007 11:47 am
tinny says...



Oooo, that's pretty creepy, Sumi. For some reason it reminded me of Lunar Legend TsukihimeReally should stop watching so much anime...

A shrill cry knifed through the air, pulling Sara to her feet, looking about her in terrified uncertainty.


The way this sentence is now, it almost sounds as if it's the cry looking about her XD you might want to change it to something like 'pulling Sara to her feet and look around herself in terrified uncertainty'? I don't know, I'm hungry.

"YES!” Sara jerked around to stare at the man.


Is it Andrew saying this? At first I thought it was Sara, but then I realised it wouldn't make any sense, so then I though Andrew but it could just be me getting confused about gender again ;)

Andrew smiled at her, the same smile that had wooed her earlier that day.


Ooo, I really liked that, the way his smile was the same.

You mentioned that you might be expanding this, and i think it would be really interesting, I'm quite intrigued about where it all began, and all that jazz. Aside from those two little nit-picks, I didn't find anything, but it was thoroughly enjoyable.

Yar me heartie!

-Fish




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189 Reviews


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Fri Jun 29, 2007 11:46 am
tinny wrote a review...



Oooo, that's pretty creepy, Sumi. For some reason it reminded me of Lunar Legend TsukihimeReally should stop watching so much anime...

A shrill cry knifed through the air, pulling Sara to her feet, looking about her in terrified uncertainty.


The way this sentance is now, it almost sounds as if it's the cry looking about her XD you might want to change it to something like 'pulling Sara to her feet and look around herself in terrifired uncertainty'? I don't know, I'm hungry.

"YES!” Sara jerked around to stare at the man.


Is it Andrew saying this? At first I thought it was Sara, but then I realised it wouldn't make any sense, so then I though Andrew but it could just be me getting confused about gender again ;)

Andrew smiled at her, the same smile that had wooed her earlier that day.


Ooo, I really liked that, the way his smile was the same.

You mentioned that you might be expanding this, and i think it would be really interesting, I'm quite intruiged about where it all began, and all that jazz. Aside from those two little nit-picks, I didn't find anything, but it was thoroughly enjoyable.

Yar me hearie!

-fish!




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Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:37 pm
RatchetWriter wrote a review...



Oh man. I've been gone for a week and have just read this.

SCARIEST THING I'VE READ IN A LONG TIME!

But so very holding......

Sadly I haven't anything to help you with. It ran smoothly and I didn't see grammar things or anything.

Hence my signature...... :D





Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
— Malala